The Geek Biker

Rambles of a geek that rides a bike

Monthly Archives: December 2010

Happy New Year to the Vodka teen.

Like last year, I was down at one of the little beaches at Rosebay to watch the Sydney firework spectacular. It was pretty awesome.

Sine the beach doesn’t have a controlled/reserved entrance, it was crawling with a lot of people. Drunk teens, shouting, drinking and smoking and some older people just shaking their heads and saying “If I ever have a daughter, she will never wear that!”

None the less, we watched the fireworks and was on out way back when we walked passed the coppers ambushing drunk teens. As we walked on a wide eyed *tipsy* teen boy turned to me. (I have to add that he looked like one of those innocent boys, a tad over weight, that would always do his homework). He shoved a big bottle of fluid in my direction.  “Do you want some vodka?”

Realising that the drink was offered because they also have to pass the big burly coppers at the end of the street, I smiled at his petrified face…”no thaks mate, I quite alright!”.

So to the wide eyed petrified teen with the Vodka, I forgot to say happy new years.

Happy New Year!!

Useful but totally impractical inventions: Mosquito Manikin

You know ow you spray on insect repellent and the mosquitoes still nibble on you, or even take a bite right through your shirt.

Well I have a solution you can add to your insect repellent collection, bug zapper and mosquito net you wear around you.

Introducing the Mosquito Manikin*.

A life size manikin with fake blood and body oder to attract all the mosquitoes away from you. The Mosquito Manikin comes in various shapes and sizes to trick the little critters. For the true insect haters you can select an insecticide of your choice to pump through the manikin’s fake arteries. Ore if you are a lover of all things alive, how about a little sleeping aid to give the blood suckers a good rest until you finished your bbq.

All you have to do is place the Mosquito Manikin about 10 meters away from you and watch how all the mosquitoes go to it like moths to a flame. (Editor’s note: That is such a bad line, so I decided to remove the rest of this post.)

*Note, there is no such thing as a Mosquito Manikin, but I think it is a great idea. If someone wants to patent it, remember to give me my cut.

Music of the now?

The Australian radio station Mix 106.5 has a slogan “playing Sydney’s best Mix of the80’s, 90’s and now across your morning”. Right, so what does that mean?

The 80s had bands like Air Supply, Chicago, Phil Collins and many more. The 90s had the painful sounds of Back street boys, Tori Amos and more Phil Collins.

But where are we now?

Will we going back to the 10s? Will the year 2000 up to 2009 be the 00s? That will probably not suffice. We can’t have a slogan that goes “we play music from the 80s, 90s, 00s and 10s!”.

That just sounds wrong doesn’t it.

What did you get for X-mas?

Even after my sleepless nights of research and trying to figure out how I can capture the fat bloke in some trap, he evaded me once again.

That being said, Santa still dropped a gift under the tree for me. Got a GoPro HD camera with some accessories. Suction cup and roll bar mounting.

Here’s a pic:

 

It is a mountable camera that can be easily attached to vehicles and bikes.

I still think my wife is in cahoots with the big fellow called Santa.

Black Ops Santa

In my previous post, I commented on how I’ll be waiting for the bearded fellow to come into my house. Hog-tie him and maybe take him in to “Ripley’s believe it or not” for a reward. But then I’ve been thinking…how come no one else ever caught the fat bloke?

Doing some more research, I got hold of some footage that might be an indication of how he escapes the clutches of many a bounty hunter:

The answer….his Elves aren’t little toy makers…they are special trained black ops operatives. Look at the ease at which the elf rappelled down the chopper. Not to mention…they’ve got a chopper…not a gay sleigh pulled by reindeer, a fucking chopper!

Santa himself looks pretty useless. Pappa Elf in the chopper had to almost land the thing (did I mention that the elves got an attack helicopter!) to get the fat guy off of the cables. But still, try to capture the red suited criminal and the elves will be right there kicking your ass with their spec opps boots!

Oatmeal’s version of Christmas celebrations

The night is drawing closer where I’ll wait with either a shotgun or a baseball bat for a fat bloke in a red suite to break into my house. The weapon of choice will be dictated by the ease of which I can acquire said object.

While searching the web and looking up sites like *”www.buy-illegal-shotguns.com, I came across The Oatmeal‘s depiction of how different age groups celebrate Christmas.

It is pretty good. take a look.

*Note: I’m pretty sure that website doesn’t exists. But tempted to create it.

How Santa damned Rudolf

I’m quite intrigued with Christmas and how people perceive the myths and traditions that surrounds it.

In my in depth research around Santa and all things jolly, I came across this little nugget: The History of Redolph the Red Nose Reindeer

Now you might ask yourself, how did Santa damn him…well in this line…: However, Rudolf’s luck changes when Santa sees Rudolf’s affliction as an asset and asks Rudolf – “Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?

But HOW I hear you scream! Think about it. A reindeer with a glowing nose is already an open target in any environment. It isn’t the best camouflage in the wild. Now he is tied up as well.

Rudolf went from running wild glowy nose, to flying target harnessed and pulling a fat old bloke.

Well done Santa!

Oh right, and another piece of advice…don’t tell Santa that you didn’t like the gifts!

Start Praying

We all know what to do when you wake up and when looking outside, this is the first thing you see (especially when you live next door to a church):

Calling out Santa

I had a bit of a fall out with a Santa.

Whilst on his knee telling him what I wanted for Christmas, I realised that he wasn’t the real Santa.. I mean really…Apart from the fake beard and rum breath, he had an Australian accent!!

Everyone knows that the “real” Santa comes from the North Pole, so he MUST have a Northern Polish accent.

Origins of Santa

A while ago I posted a conversation I had about how I think Santa might be Satan. (Don’t get me started, read it for yourself : https://thegeekbiker.wordpress.com/2010/04/21/santa-is-satan/ )

Now that ’tis the season again, I had to rethink it…

Recently, my wife got admitted to the Australian court and there in the court room, I had my epiphany. In came the judges and they all had Santa suites on. I kid you not! Here is a picture of English and Australian judge attire:

Anyway, that got me thinking..what could have happened in the past that would justify a myth of a fat guy in a red suite giving gifts? So I had to think back to the ‘ol days and what could have transpired.

To set the scene…it is the late 1890’s. An little shed in the forest has a kid trying to make fire to protect himself from the cold.

In walks his dad…a scruffy bastard.

“Dad! I thought you were going to be hanged!”

“Well son, apparently a jolly fat guy in a red suite had other plans for me”

“Do tell”

“Well, he said I can come home if I kill his cheating wif…I mean, I can come home if I behave myself”.

“Wow! What a grand old chap!”

“Indeed son, I even got you a gift. Tis a hammer  he carried around with him. I took it from his limp body after I stab…I mean, he told me to give it to you if you were a good boy! Have you been a good boy?”

“Yes daddy! Tell me more of the jolly man!”

“For crying out loud! He’s old. He’s fat. He wears a red suite and give gifts! what more do you want to know!?!?”

“Where does he come from?”

“I don’t know and don’t care.He could have come from the North Pole dragged along by magical reindeer for all I care! But what matters is that I’m home and he’s dead!”

“*SNIFF* Dead? *SNIFF* really dead??? *SNIFF*”

“No no no no no, what I meant was….erm…he’s back home….for another year…he’ll be back…in a year”

“But why daddy”

“To make some more hammers for good children. No be a good boy and bring me some grog.”

Yip, that is how I think it played off. Or would have. Don’t believe wikipedia and its nonsense around Sinterklaas etc etc.